Finding My Own Speed

Day 105: near the halfway mark, Chester, CA

Today the trail is easy. It’s soft forest cover, sometimes gravel, wide and gentle. This means I have described a trail that we could call “fast.“ So how do I feel about this fast? Part of me wants to run, to find my family who are now largely too far ahead to catch easily. Some of me has self ssabotaged exactly this way, by moving too slowly to be able to catch anyone easily. I knew I needed to take my own hike, and I knew that letting go of the family would feel strange at best. But now, really hiking at my own speed, I realize I’m not sure what that speed is still today.

In some ways, I really like to move quickly. Yet, I feel I have to create this emptiness, this aloneness, this vacuum of social interaction. In this space, I will find myself, and I will find all of the things that match my newest vibration most closely. And so like this it goes: I speed down the trail, and then I realize how far behind I am, and I marvel at a vista. I stay in slow motion for seconds that add up to minutes, that may add up to my very own private hike forever.

And then I replaced my shoes, and like magic, the miles thrust out below me. Watch out, NorCal!!


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